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 In the Books! Week 15 of 2017

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Minnesota Eternals
 
 
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PostSubject: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 10:46 am



With the holidays upon us, life is getting busy outside of Roster Wars for everyone and I am no exception.  Add in that the "In the Books" article style of heavy gif flow has become a bit more popular this year (no complaints there) and I'm gonna try to make this an interesting article by just rattling what's in my head.  If you get bored, I'll understand. tongue

Week 15: When Andy's spirits were officially crushed.

It feels like Matt has been riding high on the hog (pardon the pun) for most of his time here in Roster Wars although I'm not sure if that sentiment is based in facts or not...but his hopes and dreams were dashed quickly this year as once he made the playoffs Divine intervention cast him aside immediately.  Matt took a week off, did some soul searching and returned to face Han-Yang and his Golddiggers squad and you know what happened next?  The Piggyskins scored 268 points (not good) but that didn't stop Han-Yang from ripping his shirt off Hulk-Hogan-style and unleashing a 363 point effort all up in Matt's face.  Dammmmnnnn Han-Yang!  
That performance was your high score of the week and the summary of one game this week.  
Two birds, meet one stone.  
high five

Over to a game I like to call the "High Expectations Left Legless" Bowl or H.E.L.L. for short, we saw two teams show up a week late as the Littleton Silverballers and their 338 point day was enough to edge out Jon and the England Dragons who brought 328 points which (and I hope you can picture me rolling my eyes here) as you can guess still gets this mofo paid as it was the Highest Score in a Loss for the week.  I found it very fitting when Jon (who is from overseas mind you) was asked about his thoughts of the game and he simply replied "Bloody Hell" before storming off to eat some of the leftover mashed potatoes and pickled roll-ups that Andy sent his way after last weeks rescheduled Dragon BBQ.  That Andy is a really thoughtful cunt, isn't he?

In the NFL Pick'em game, the race is scary close as we wind down but for anyone not in said race zero fucks are probably being given so I'll just give you this little update...the Muskego Muskies who haven't won jack or shit this year had the highest score in week 15 with 131 points.  Let's all quietly wish Dan the best as he is in the mix and nobody wants to see a dead and bloated Musky washing up on shore any time soon.

It's now been four (4) straight weeks of no casualties in the Survivor game which is boring the rest of us to tears but one has to think that somebody is gonna be voted off the island soon.  These animals have used up so many teams at this point that they are down to eating bugs and drinking their own urine for sustenance trying to stay alive.  Let's root for their demise together, like evil little Care Bears wearing Metallica shirts singing in unison, "DIE DIE DIE" like the song Creeping Death is skipping in our 1990 Discman.

Well, I suppose this is a reasonable place to circle back and outline my sorrows.  Actually, I really don't much to complain about because my team has been wicked consistent in scoring (certainly not in personnel) with nearly every week landing between 275 and 300 points...and we have been feasting on the blood and souls of the careless and unfortunate who face highs and lows that leave our stomach squeamish but in Week 15, despite scoring 299 which is decent outing for us, finally one maniac was able to ignore our rugged good looks for 5 minutes to get the job done...sadly for my male ego, it was a lady (the only lady we have).  FML.  Carla and the Indiana Mayhem scored 326 points that feel like they went straight up my urethra while a sea of feminists beat me over the head with their "End Domestic Abuse" signs.  As Carla stepped over my corpse she spoke sweetly into a megaphone for the masses to hear, "one small step for a lady, one giant leap for Ladyland" and she hopped in her limousine and whisked away to prepare for next week when she faces the evil country of Canada, a plaid covered ManCountry that needs to be taught a lesson.  Good luck Carla!
Oh, the point was to acknowledge...Congratulations to Carla and the Indiana Mayhem for being Dastardly Dozen Conference Champions!!!!  
cheer  cheer  cheer

On the Terrible side of the Roster Wars pond, an eerily similar score marks the end of one team and a stepping stone for another.  The Norfolk Bombers (Dave-owned, Ben-operated) who much like the Eternals were a 6th seed that some would argue didn't belong but after shoving small explosives in the asses of some Golddiggers and Knights, found themselves in the Conference Finals against a rabid Canadian cat that was backed into a corner.  Luckily for Dave, he escapes unharmed having been wise enough to use Ben as a human shield.  As for Ben, it's nothing a few hundred cheap beers can't cure.  Over to the land of maple syrup, Todd is undoubtedly dancing a jig in his finest flannel before buckling down to prepare for the first wave of man-hatin' ball-stomper ladies crossing the border.  I'm not sure if the strategy of repeatedly saying "Sawrry" and being sweet is gonna work out for the SteelCats here so hopefully they are wise  enough to sharpen those claws and possibly manufacture some maple-leaf-shaped ninja throwing knives because shit's about to get real up there.  Good luck to you sir!
Congratulations to Todd and the Hamilton SteelCats for being Terrible Twelve Conference Champions!!!!
cheer  cheer  cheer

A quick addition along the same lines...Congratulations to Bob and his #6 seed Haddonfield Slashers who are Promising Prospects Conference Champions!!!!
cheer  cheer  cheer

And wouldn't you know it, because #6 seeds got after it this year, Justin and the Mohawk Ridge Marauders are Rising Rookies Conference Champions!!!!
cheer  cheer  cheer

Well, let's not give ol' Justin too much credit here...after all those Marauders fled for their lives from the Big League and are now playing big fish in a Little pond.   tongue   Just playin' of course.  Good luck to both of you pumpkin-spice-flavored jackasses in Week 16.

Changing gears and by the way kicking it into motherfucking 4th gear we acknowledge RB Todd Gurley (Team Eternal Justice) for popping off 45 points which is the 6th best performance for a RB in a single week.  I think what happened here is I made an impression on Mr. Gurley when I was pointing out the shitstain that was his 5 point effort against the Seahawks in Week 5.  That Seacheater team totally deserved what Super-Gurley (should be the name of the Mayhem's mascot) just unloaded all over them here.

Much to the chagrin of English Jonny, I'm gonna also let ya'll know that PK Robbie Gould (Muskies and Bombers) booted almost 28 points which is good for 4th all-time at his position in a week.  That's the American way!  'Murica! 'Murica! 'Murica!

Lastly, two honorable (not really) mentions come from a little shit stain of a game between the not so mighty Maple Grove Mean Machine and their opponent, the not so tough California Nightmare.  You see, these two clowns combined for a 10th lowest all-time score of 454 points and because they shared the shame so equally, the Mediocre Machine and their 229 points are 3rd all-time for fewest points score in a victory.  Wow guys.  Really putting your names in the record books over there.  If I knew the right numbers to call, I would be recommending to your families that you jokers should be eating at the kids table this Christmas.

This is the point when I call your attention to our most glorious Progressive Pot in all her beauty as she remains at $1357.  As planned, she has turned from a young unattractive slutty whore into a beautiful and particular lady who has fucking standards and as she ages will undoubtedly become a prude who is mean to us and it'll take near-sorcery to taste her sweet wrinkled love.

Well, when I started I figured without searching for gifs that I would be able to say more (certainly true) and I would actually get done faster (not fucking true) so I'm just gonna highlight a few of the matches that I found interesting...and fuck the rest of ya...because that is the sort of cunt I am.

After the Bombers wrecked what was an otherwise stellar season for the Knights, Joe sought his revenge against the Napeville Divine and took it a bit far in my eyes...but maybe somebody would defend the decision to drive a sword through another man and then proceed to play with it, moving the blade to and fro like one would stir their drink with a straw.  Fucking gross if you ask me.  

Equally disgusting is the end result when a knight of the Red army falls without his helmet in place.  Those dirty bird Nighthawks rained out of the night sky and ravaged the faces and plucked the eyes out of what some folks believe are true heroes.  In the lost opportunity department, I realize at some point hopefully these two teams can be a bit more competitive and when they face off the two owners will put their mustaches on the line.  How fun would that be?

You know you suck when you really want to win (Tyrants) and you lose to those who really don't believe they should be allowed to play (Malosos) but when Nick's squad brought 227 points to the table you're not gonna win (unless you're playing the to-be-named Pink Crusader that is) so Tom and his heathens have the chance to get paid for just one more week of miserable participation.  

Bill (Justice) and Eric (Goon Squad) faced off, probably to decide who has the best four-letter name or something equally stupid and Bill simply bonked Eric over the head with his gavel and that was that.  Like something out of a cartoon with these two guys.

The Atlanta Africans and Maple Grove Mean Machine, in an effort to avoid having to be tested for STDs during the holiday season, did just enough to be a cut above the very treacherous Pink Pass that will surely claim some innocent lives next week.  While the Degenitals sliding very slowly across Greg's chin is a horror that makes mortals skin crawl, it is deserved and seeing as this is the only Week 16 matchup that is a sequel (Nightmare up 1-0 against Degenitals) at least Greg can aim for a solid 2-0 lead in the series for the price of the disease that he's getting here.  Hey Greg, have fun raw-dogging Rob...
lol 2
OMG...what did I just say!?!?!
sick  sick  sick  sick  sick  sick

Finally, the Muskies and Brawlers.  They won which means that while they completely suck and nobody respects their teams in the least, at least they can still look down on somebody.  Who are they looking down on?  Well, it would be two blue-balled wankers who have a myriad of issues that starts to sound like the warning disclaimer on a erectile dysfunction commercial...but it's their reality if you can believe it.  Just some of what Brad and Ed face on a daily basis includes dribbling urine on their own feet, uncontrollable crying, confusion, explosive diarrhea, comical flopping at inappropriate times, necrophilia, ulcers, indigestion, tumors and achy weiner syndrome.  
surprised2
And now we make them wrestle each other...it's gonna be a shit show that has Gallagher showing up wearing two ponchos and fear in his eyes.


Well, I think that's gonna do it bitches.  Other than the early workout, my morning is shot so fuck you whether you enjoyed this article or not, I'm gonna do something productive with the rest of my day.  Who am I kidding?  I'm gonna probably spend another several hours doing RW shit.  If you actually read this and/or the other articles everyone has brought all season, I just want to wish you and yours and extra special Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.  Those pigfuckers (no offense Matt) that don't read this stuff can have a regular Hairy Christmas and Tolerable New Year as far as I am concerned.

Peace.  santa banana


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Riverside Rottweilers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:32 am

Great work Andy. Enjoyed the article.


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Carolina Silverbacks
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:46 am

Nice read. Surprised I read it all. Enjoy the days offering.


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North Wales Knights
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 12:43 pm

Bravo sir! I know some might bitch about the lack of pictures, but I enjoyed it!


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Rocky Mountain Oysters
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 1:06 pm

Minnesota Eternals wrote:
Finally, the . . . Brawlers.  . . . they completely suck and nobody respects their team in the least



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Nevada NightHawks
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 1:09 pm

I'm all about stats and if I recall correctly, they (I don't know who "they" are), say a picture is worth a 1000 words.  With no pictures, you have achieved your goal as you threw in just over 2000 words.  Therefore, you have painted a fine picture with this week's article.  Good Job, as I read the whole article with my morning glass of chocolate milk.   beer


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Rocky Mountain Oysters
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 1:12 pm

Minnesota Eternals wrote:
Just some of what Brad and Ed face on a daily basis includes dribbling urine on their own feet, uncontrollable crying, confusion, explosive diarrhea, comical flopping at inappropriate times, necrophilia, ulcers, indigestion, tumors and achy weiner syndrome.



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Naperville Divine
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:56 pm

Yes, I got my ass kicked last week.


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Maplewood Doppelgangers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 7:09 pm

I'm hoping to do Dave proud this week and give him a 3rd place finish and crush Andy's spirits even more!


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Alaska Arsenic
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 7:10 pm

Excellent work yet again! gifs or no gifs - who gives a shit!


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Polk High Panthers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 7:52 pm

LOL!! Awesome stuff. Merry Christmas to you and yours !


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Atlanta Africans
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:20 pm

I actually read all that!


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Atlanta Africans
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:21 pm

Ok I lied - I skipped the last paragraph


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Littleton SilverBallers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sat Dec 23, 2017 11:32 pm

Thanks for the article Andy!  

Jon wins more money!?!?!  Not surprised there


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England Dragons
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sun Dec 24, 2017 5:22 am

Merry Christmas everyone.

middle finger


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Hamilton Steel Cats
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sun Dec 24, 2017 10:36 am

Damn, man. Now that's a written article. Andy, I think that might be the most words typed since you put together the constitution. Very Well Done! Thanks. thumbsup



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Titletown Tyrants
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: In the Books! Week 15 of 2017   Sun Dec 24, 2017 11:35 pm

This was my favorite In The Books article this year, even though I got ripped on. Well done Sir!


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