HomeLog inRegisterFAQSearch
x
x
x
x
x
Log in
Username:
Password:
Log in automatically: 
:: I forgot my password
x

Share | 
 

 Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12

View previous topic View next topic Go down 
AuthorMessage
Tenafly Vipers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 737

PostSubject: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:03 pm



You like your team. But many, many people don’t like your team. This 2017 RW Minor League Preview is for those in the latter group.


CHAPTER 12

(A PLACE YOU WILL NEVER FIND THE HC OF THE PATRIOTS) PATRIOTS – TIMMEH

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: TIM-TIMMEH.
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: TIM-TIMMEH?
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: TIMMEH.
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: …timmeh?

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: PINK CONTENDER, TIER 5


Don’t worry, I’m not gonna make jokes about mentally handicapped children. The season starts in roundabout three hours as I write this sentence, so a lot of these are first-run jokes. There’s no time to stare at the screen for 45 minutes, eat some baby carrots and masturbate while I think of something better. And besides, if you want jokes about mentally handicapped children, I could never do better than this.

I don’t have to look far for why the Patriots will lose this year. Timmeh has, by a pretty significant margin, the worst defense in the conference. His starting 11, the immediate backups and the overall depth all rank DFL. He’s 30 points per week behind the next linebacker group. He’s starting all his safeties and corners every week just to get some points on the board, which means he has no depth for byes and injuries. If depth was a condom, his nickname would be Raw Dog. There are certainly enough randoms on this roster.

The two best defenders – Eric Kendricks and Danielle Hunter, with apologies to Micah Hyde – both play for the Vikings. That’s gonna be a rough week 9 against the Pigskins, who might actually lap the Patriots on defense. It’s going to look like the Steelers before people cared about concussions. Pigskins gonna be body slamming the fans. Patriots will be making grass angels like Colt McCoy. Seriously, is it any wonder that CTE was uncovered by a doctor in Pittsburgh?

There’s actually a pretty good offense here. The Pats have three bankable quarterbacks and figure to be sellers later, so there’s a chance of some good return there. Sam Bradford might be fake news (he set the completion percentage record with the 28th ranked offense), but he could be invaluable to a fantasy contender like Pigskins, Nukes or Werewolves who might find themselves one QB shy or want to upgrade. Bradford went for a first-round pick in the real world.

There’s production and depth at running back. Unfortunately, when it comes to Isaiah Crowell and Bilal Powell, that’s more speculative value than real points in-hand. Leonard Fournette could be the next coming of Adrian Peterson if he can just get All Day’s HGH hook up. Do you guys ever wonder if maybe Fournette is like Robin Williams in that movie Jack where he ages four times as fast as everyone else. He’s been a grown man since he was 12, and if I do my math there.. carry the 1… remember my order of operations… … … that makes his ankles 84.

I could be talked into a lot of the receivers, but not to be what the Patriots need them to be. TY Hilton is not my favorite as a team’s no. 1, for instance, especially with the Colts medical staff doing their Idiocracy routine again.

“Yeah, so, Andy, it says here your shit’s all retarded.”
*lights blunt*

If I’m Andrew Luck’s agent, I’m keeping a team of concierge doctors on standby as long as he’s in blue and white. Chris Hogan lucked into what seems to be a big role, and Paul Richardson did these things, so it’s not like the cupboard is bare by any means. I just don’t see the Patriots winning the collective receiver matchups in very many weeks.

Add it all up, and you just don’t find a lot of points on the starting 22. It’s possible that Timmeh can find some defenders off the waiver wire throughout the season and make a go of it, but in a league this deep with more than a couple owners who are going to be hunting the wire like a sober McNulty, the idea that these fake Patriots can turn any old forgotten LB into a key part of a top defense like the real Patriots seem to do every year (Except maybe this one! When the Patriots start losing games, and their fans look up and realize all they have is Dunkin Donuts and Mark Wahlburg, that’s gonna be a pretty cool day) is what the military might call a low-probability outcome.


YOUR FRIENDLY, NEIGHBORHOOD PILLAGERS – BUMBLEBEE MAN FROM THE SIMPSONS

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: AYE, NARANJAS EN LA CABEZA
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: AYE, UNA CANDELABRA PRECARIOSA
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: AYE AYE AYE, UN BURRO AMAROSO
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: AYE CHIHAUHAU WOAH WOAH WOAH

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: PLAYOFF DARKHORSE, TIER 3.5


Much mirth was had at Bumblebee Man’s expense during the draft. He spent like a biker high on trucker speed at a police auction. Just when you thought he was done? Boom. He spends $100 on Kahlil Mack and Ndamukong Suh. It was like watching a gambling addict suddenly flush with cash walk past the roulette table. The game doesn’t end when you win. It ends when you have nothing left.

The key unit here is obviously the linebackers, where the four starters project to score 70+ points per week. Of course, Luke Keuchly is one overly tight baseball hat away from this, and Kahlil Mack has never had 60 total tackles in a season. Still, even with units like Pigskins out there, this is the single highest-scoring starting position unit in the conference.

Outside of those linebackers? Ehhhh. He’s got JPP and Wilkerson at end. That’s pretty good. Between the cleat stomps and testicle twists, Suh still piles up the sweet, sweet stats. Hopefully, the “front 7” players should mostly make up for the losses this team will see at corner and safety.

I understand devaluing defensive backs in the sense that they have more variance than other IDP positions, but totally punting the entire backfield puts the Bee Fetishists in a tenuous spot. There’s very little daylight between making the playoffs and not, and that 7-point deficit between these DBs and the league average will have something to say about the season to come.

There are a lot of offensive players to like. Famous Jameis is doing everything he can to be a star, even if you can’t help but cringe at his larger worldview. Stafford is an above-average quarterback who can fling it with the best of them in the fall, but who takes hits like Tommy Chong at a Secrets resort in Jamaica and is more codeine than man by December.  

You might as well like Todd Gurley. He hasn’t turned into a pumpkin, yet. Doug Martin back folks is? DeAndre Hopkins is a bonafide freak with just a leeeeettle bit of frying pan iron in his hands. Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce are just a coupla giant, dumb, meat heads who came here to catch balls and kiss chicks. They’re like two sentient Bud Light Lime-A-Rita tallboys. They’re like if Frankenstein’s monster was made entirely of erect penises and instead of a brain was given a scratched Girls Gone Wild DVD. They’re like all the spilled fluid from the last weekend of spring break at Lake Tahoe came together T1000-style and formed a pair of dude bro Voltrons.

Behind them, though, is… Marvin Jones? George Kittle?

Bumblebee Man has one of the shallowest teams in the conference, but he also projects to have (somewhat amazingly) the best starting lineup outside of Pigskins and up. There’s a better than 0 percent chance that one of these important ACLs has Señor Abejorro screaming “¡Adios Mio!” before the end of the season, but for now, Viva la Merodeadores!


VAGINA SOFAS – TANDY, THE LAST MAN ON EARTH

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: LET ME GO WASH MY BALLS
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: JUST SAYING WE’RE WASTING TIME IS A WASTE OF TIME IN ITSELF
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: WOULD A PENIS COMPLIMENT MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER?
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: THIS, MY FRIEND, IS FULL OF ACTIVE FART

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: PINK CONTENDER, TIER 5


Like this delightful art school project (look at the clitoris pillow!), Tandy’s team should provide a comfortable place for the rest of the league to stretch out and relax, while also making the person who paid for that team/art school tuition question all their assumptions.

Tandy started out with the best intentions. He scooped up Mahomes and a couple underrated passers; Bell, Ajayi and Rawls; Tyreek and Sammy Watkins; and some of my favorite IDP values this year in Jatavis Brown, Jamal Adams and Jabrill Peppers. And then he got, like, busy I guess? There’s no real depth at any position (except cornerback!). Every offensive position group is below average (except kicker!). You have to wonder if Tandy got caught up in the seven-dimensional underwater chess game when he opted out of the end of the draft with $16 left and a week of $1 players still to go.

There are a handful of guys whom anyone would like to have on their roster – Rawls, Buck Allen, John Ross, to name a few. Of course, Thomas Rawls is in a timeshare that has metastasized into a four-way rotation. And if Buck Allen leads Tandy to the playoffs, I will buy that fucking vagina couch, for real, and pay to ship it to him [Editor’s note: Not for real, just think of the shipping costs!]. I just don’t know how hot the trade market is for John Ross. Su’a Cravens heard he was on this fantasy team and retired.

Ok ok. My daddy says ain’t no use in hitting a poor dog that’s already tied to the tree. Let’s wrap up these previews, and we got the best for last.

With only 111 contract years used, four IR-eligible players still on the active roster, and a week 1 lineup that includes a suspended tight end and a cornerback so obscure even his own coaches don’t know his name, the rest of the league might have to wait their turn to stretch out between the labia cushions. Tandy’s already asleep in his own vagina.


QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE – ???

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: AMY GOOD GORILLA
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: ARE YOU SERVING THAT APE A MARTINI?
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: OH, NO! THE BAD APES HAVE THE CRYSTAL LASERS!
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: WHEN THE MOON IS LIKE THAT, EVERY MONKEY FOR 200 MILES THINKS HE’S ELVIS PRESLEY

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: GRAND POOBAH, TOP OF THE CONFERENCE


“Matt” really came in hot, didn’t “he”? Swooped up Julio and Zeke for 75 cents on the dollar and that’s all it took to win the whole… fucking… thing. Follow that up with three solid quarterbacks destined to be undervalued in an auction dynasty league, more cheap buys on high-pedigree running backs in fluid depth chart situations, Antonio “Bad Ass Mother Fucker” Brown, and far and away the deepest defense in the league (also bought at discounts!), and it’s almost like “Matt” was playing with a stacked deck. How could a man clean up a 12-team auction so well? Spreadsheets and rankings lists only go so far. No no no, my friends. We been bamboozled.

Did you know there are literally no Matts currently living in South Carolina? I know, it’s surprising but true, largely owing to the Great Mattgration of 1989 to Philadelphia. I’ve been tracing “Matt”’s IP address for the last couple weeks. Rome. Shanghai. Moscow. Around and around the globe. DDoS attacks. Drive-by downloads. Smurfs and fuzz and Trojan horses, oh my.

Finally, after two weeks of subsisting on Red Bulls and my own dandruff, I narrowed “his” location down to two possibilities: “Matt” resides in either a secret basement lair underneath Cal Tech, or somewhere in the dreaded Dimension X.

That’s right, “Matt” is actually none other than Amy the Sign Language Gorilla from the 1995 film, Congo. Either that, or he is Krang. Since neither Krang nor Dimension X exist, I can comfortably say I am 65 percent sure he is Amy the Sign Language Gorilla and not Krang.

Think about it. Who else has the ability simultaneously program complex algorithms based around points per dollar and the spending patterns of 11 other strangers? I’ll tell you who. Amy the Sign Language Gorilla with the help of her experimental Nintendo Power Glove. (Or, potentially, Krang.)

Who forgets they have a wife of 9 years and a son named Braydon, and then casually drops that info hours later? Oh, I don’t know, perhaps a sign language-talking Gorilla ginning up its fake identity on the fly? Braydon. It doesn’t even sound like a real son. If you were to ask me to make up a fake son right now, I would say, “What? Why? That’s weird. Fuck you.” And then if you asked again, I would say, “Fine. I don’t know. Like, uh… Braydon?”

Joke’s on Amy, though. Everyone knows the surest way to lose a fantasy league is to have the best team. The best team never wins! You want like the third or fourth best team, no better no worse! Classic genius sign language gorilla mistake.

Even though Amy is guaranteed to lose, we should cover their roster, anyway. Fair and balanced here. At QB, the Killa Gorillas have one of the best groupings in the conference (get used to that theme). Drew Brees, from the rich side of Austin, is like the shortest cowboy at the rodeo. You don’t mess with the shortest cowboy at the rodeo. You have no idea what that midget did to earn the respect of those other bull riders.

Eli Manning may not have the same football smarts as his father and brother, but he does have that Manning ability to smile like a good hayseed whenever controversy looms and carry on like nothing happened. That’s why his plot to sell fake game memorabilia will just end in people laughing and shaking their heads. “What a zany caper that was!” they’ll say and Eli smiles from ear to ear like Lennie pettin them rabbits. Seriously, Tom Brady gets suspended and labeled a cheater for eternity because the NFL couldn’t get a participation ribbon at any middle school science fair in the country, and meanwhile Eli is over here committing fraud and people take one look at it and think, “Nawww, that guy’s too polite.” You know what it is. People think the Patriots are smart. And Eli is the world’s least threatening idiot. Fuck the giants, you guys.

Running back looks great with the Zeke/McFadden combo. Call me an optimist, but I think McFadden can stay upright this year while Elliott serves his suspension. There’s a chance that the Cowboys keep pushing delays to see if they can shove his sentence off the 2017 season all together. That could backfire at some point if Zeke runs out of options and has to sit out games later in the season, but that’s a remote possibility. Add in Ingram, Coleman, Charmader and others, and this is a plus unit basically every week.

A quick aside on Elliott. He’s accused of beating a woman SIX TIMES IN SEVEN DAYS. That’s a Baylor pace right there and there’s not a single Cowboy even batting an eye. That got me thinking. Ol’ Fart Briles couldn’t have been run out of Canada faster if he jerked off in the prime minister’s maple syrup, but he’s not done with football forever. If there’s one team that does not give a wet shit about your baggage, it’s Jones and the Boys. The Briles family knows a lot of people in that organization, and Jones personally defended Art in the press. I will make a money bet with any takers that Art Briles ends up employed by the Dallas Cowboys in some capacity within the next 3 years. Art’s gonna be good at that job, too, and the Cowboys will win and no one in the DFW area will give a good gottdamn.

The receivers are probably the weakest link of this team, as much as Antonio Brown, Julio Jones and Larry Fitzgerald can be considered weak links. The issue is depth. There’s a 10-point per week drop from Jones to Devin Funchess, and probably a little bit more from Jones to Jonathan Stewart or Zach “It’s Never” Miller “Time.” The bye weeks will be tough, and an injury would be catastrophic.

Tough to do better than Greg “Third Leg” Olsen at tight end. He went to Miami in the early 2000s, which means he’s probably committed some crimes.

Look, I won’t sugarcoat this. This is the best starting offense in the conference by a comfortable margin. The other 11 owners should check the schedule for byes, cross their fingers for injuries, and pray that the Zeke suspension appeal gets weird.

About as impressive as the starting offense is the depth on defense. There is no other team even remotely close to touching the weekly production that Amy will get from all the defensive players on her roster. It’s basically an 80 point drop from this team to the no. 2 (Nukes, if you’re wondering). You can see the proof of that in the projected bench totals on the scoreboard. Most teams run in the mid-100s, while Amy over here projects a cool 283.9. That’s some fine drafting, right there. Positionally, they are second at tackle, second at end, a commanding first in LB strength, first at corner and first at safety. I think you’d have to cheat to do better.

The starters are tad less impressive, coming in at 5th overall. I don’t think Amy is too worried about it, but if I’m feeling less than generous, the worst I could say is there’s some contract waste at the bottom of every IDP position. You probably don’t need, for instance, Julius Peppers’ farewell tour, or Frank Clark, who sounds like a Richie Incognito-level of asshole. Amy probably has three linebackers, three corners and three safeties more than she needs, too. I would expect to see some of these in trade offers at some point, but I have doubts there will be much action. Trading DLs and DBs around here is like trying to unload the grapes your mom packed at lunch.

All that said, it’s a defense that will score a hair more than 150 points every week, regardless of injury, bye or nuclear war. In that way, it is unstoppable.

You could almost feel bad for this team. She executed the perfect plan, but the fantasy gods hate a frontrunner. Better luck next year, Amy the Sign Language Gorilla from Congo. (Or, potentially, Krang.)



And that’s it! Thanks for reading, everyone. Good luck to all. And apologies to Andy. I wanted yours to be funnier, but I went down the vagina coach road and lost the trees for the pubes something something.




Last edited by Tenafly Vipers on Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:22 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
Manhattan Beach Patriots
 
 
avatar

Posts : 410

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:09 pm

Nicely done Collin. I hope to prove you wrong. Time will tell.


Back to top Go down
Titletown Tyrants
 
 
avatar

Posts : 11034

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:15 pm

Damn that was long. I started reading it and didn't realize it was as long as it was. But worth the read for sure! Good stuff!


Back to top Go down
Alaska Arsenic
 
 
avatar

Posts : 1601

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 4:26 pm

Dominated an article again! Excellent work Colon.


Back to top Go down
http://faketeams.com
Minnesota Eternals
 
 
avatar

Posts : 23410

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 6:40 pm

Tenafly Vipers wrote:


Much mirth was had at Bumblebee Man’s expense during the draft. He spent like a biker high on trucker speed at a police auction. Just when you thought he was done? Boom. He spends $100 on Kahlil Mack and Ndamukong Suh. It was like watching a gambling addict suddenly flush with cash walk past the roulette table. The game doesn’t end when you win. It ends when you have nothing left.

xxxxxxxx

You might as well like Todd Gurley. He hasn’t turned into a pumpkin, yet. Doug Martin back folks is? DeAndre Hopkins is a bonafide freak with just a leeeeettle bit of frying pan iron in his hands. Rob Gronkowski and Travis Kelce are just a coupla giant, dumb, meat heads who came here to catch balls and kiss chicks. They’re like two sentient Bud Light Lime-A-Rita tallboys. They’re like if Frankenstein’s monster was made entirely of erect penises and instead of a brain was given a scratched Girls Gone Wild DVD. They’re like all the spilled fluid from the last weekend of spring break at Lake Tahoe came together T1000-style and formed a pair of dude bro Voltrons.

rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl rofl

Damn fine job man. I can't wait to write my article next week and feel like it's so inadequate that submitting it will feel gross. lol3


Back to top Go down
Nevada NightHawks
 
 
avatar

Posts : 3429

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 9:19 pm

How in the hell did you pull another one of these article out so soon?  I would have needed 6 month recuperation time after the last one.  I mean, tracking down Matt's location and living off Red Bull and your own dandruff?  WTF?  rofl rofl rofl  If Roster Wars The Magazine ever hits the stands, I'm nominating you for the Pulitzer.  Brav-Fuckin-O!   clap clap clap


P.S.  Every time I look at my team defense, or hear a mention of Jason Pierre-Paul, all I can envision is your lobster claw description from the last article.  Thanks a lot.  ROFL


Back to top Go down
Maplewood Doppelgangers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 3096

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Fri Sep 08, 2017 10:35 pm

Awesome job Colon! We'll see how Amy fares week 1 against the Dildoslappers. Bold prediction: my defense score more than his! I will probably pull a Bart Simpson on that and end up eating my shorts, but we'll see!


Back to top Go down
Carolina Silverbacks
 
 
avatar

Posts : 1258

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Sat Sep 09, 2017 7:08 am

That was phenomenal. Thanks for these. Had me laughing. I’m a huge Congo fan so that was a bonus. I agree having all the pressure is tough. I hope to win it all but it’ll need to be earned. BTW damn it Kareem hunt. Way to ball out. I did luck out in my home league as the guy I played had him on the bench.


Back to top Go down
Riverside Rottweilers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 774

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Sat Sep 09, 2017 8:41 am

That article about Greg Olsen rapping got me. Great work again Collin.


Back to top Go down
Polk High Panthers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 1412

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Sat Sep 09, 2017 9:53 am

I had to go back for more carrots on that one, and I admit I did a google search on how much that labia pillow would actually cost... nice work man.


Back to top Go down
Haddonfield Slashers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 479

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Sat Sep 09, 2017 11:58 am

Finally had a chance to read, good job man. Very funny!


Back to top Go down
Online
Tenafly Vipers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 737

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Sat Sep 09, 2017 1:42 pm

Thanks for all the kudos, everyone! Glad you all like it and there were a couple things that had people laughing. I was just trying to live up to the example set by the rest of you guys. Really enjoying being a part of the league with everyone.

And thanks for the shoutout on the Ground/Kelce riff, Andy! That was my personal favorite bit. They're like if Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson had a threeway with a chili dog and the chili dog got pregnant.


Back to top Go down
Mohawk Ridge Marauders
 
 
avatar

Posts : 20302

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Sat Sep 09, 2017 6:13 pm

This was fucking amazing. Enjoyed reading every bit of it. At least someone here sees my team for what it is... baller until a single person gets hurt! Laughing


Back to top Go down
Online
Bergen Brawlers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 5549

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Mon Sep 11, 2017 11:12 am

Another great article. So what're the chances we can get you to take a look at the majors? Or at least Greg's roster?


Back to top Go down
Maplewood Doppelgangers
 
 
avatar

Posts : 3096

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Mon Sep 11, 2017 1:18 pm

Bergen Brawlers wrote:
Or at least Greg's roster?

agree eating popcorn eating popcorn


Back to top Go down
Nevada NightHawks
 
 
avatar

Posts : 3429

PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   Mon Sep 11, 2017 1:21 pm

Maplewood Doppelgangers wrote:
Bergen Brawlers wrote:
Or at least Greg's roster?

agree eating popcorn eating popcorn


good idea excited dance excited dance excited dance


Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12   

Back to top Go down
 
Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 12
View previous topic View next topic Back to top 
Page 1 of 1

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Roster Wars :: The Roster Wars Clubhouse :: Articles-
Jump to: