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 Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10

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Tenafly Vipers
 
 
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PostSubject: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:39 am



You like your team. But many, many people don’t like your team. This 2017 RW Minor League Preview is for those in the latter group.

CHAPTER 10

LATIVIAN GANGBANGERZ - ROSS

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: GOOD
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: OK
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: NEEDS MORE SPINACH
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: COULD BLOODY A NOSE HERE AND THERE

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: PLAYOFF CONTENDER, BACK OF TIER 2


Miley Cyrus or Ice Cube? What kind of banger will the Gangbangerz be?

Hmm.

Skinny, chicken arms.

Hairless baby face.

Posts about soccer. Lives on a golf course or something.

I don’t know, seems like a regular ol’ Soft Euro to me, y’all. Honestly, do the players even matter at that point?

What’s that? You’re here for analysis. Ok, here’s some analysis:

Ross picks up quarterbacks like Ben Roethlisberger waiting for blacked-out co-eds inside a sports bar bathroom at last call. TAKE THAT FOR DATA! (#basketballreference)

Roethlisberger is joined in the starting lineup by fellow feminist ally Joe Mixon, a guy who’s a real knockout player all by himself. I can’t be the only one looking forward to the day when Ross inevitably takes to the Players threads to tell us “These women are all gold-diggers!” only to then have picture proof and a suspension come out the next day. We call that going full Silverbacks.

The Lativians do have a mountain of value at wide receiver, in the sense that a mountain of aluminum spray painted gold is still worth the price of aluminum. A-Rob is a great young player with WR1 talent and a head coach whose ideal plan for QB Blake Bortles is to pass 0.0 times. Behind Robinson are seven guys who are as likely to catch 3 for 13 as 8 for 98 and a touch. Picking five of them each week is like deciding whether to stick your dick in the toaster or the hair dryer. Ross is a man in dire need of a vacuum cleaner, is what I’m saying.

The Bangerz do have some linebackers who will lay the wood, assuming Darron Lee can take a break from his busy schedule of harassing women at music festivals and getting into bar fights to play a full 16 games. He’s like Broadway Joe Namath if Broadway Joe never got laid and had no friends. Ross is deep at tackle but without a plus flex option; poor at end; will miss Perryman for at least a month; has the worst cornerback group in the conference; and is solidly below average at safety. Any further injury to one the top 5 linebackers could set fire to this whole side of the ball.

Ross’ team might start slow, but don’t let the early middling record fool you. Like that nerd in middle school, he’ll eventually rage out on someone. He should be there in the playoffs where anything can happen, and will compete for the division title, too.

So, call these Bangerz Miley Cyrus, but with the upside of being Miley Cyrus that one time she wore a strap-on.


PHILADELPHIA FAN OF RACIST TEAM – MATT #3

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: YOU KNOW HOW WHEN YOU LEAVE A WENDY’S FROSTY OUT FOR A FEW DAYS AND IT DOESN’T MELT BUT SORT OF EVAPORATES INTO THIN COTTON CANDY, LIKE THAT
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: QUITE BEAUTIFUL
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: HOLD ME BACK! (I DON’T WANT TO GET HIT!)
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: LIKE A GODDAMN FREIGHT TRAIN

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: LIKELY PLAYOFF TEAM, MIDDLE OF TIER 2


The title of this thing is “Why Your Team Will Lose,” but I would be pretty surprised if the Fan of Racist Team doesn’t make the playoffs. It’s not that the Fan of Racist Team will lose, but that Fan of Racist Team must lose.

If Matt #3 were to somehow take the Minor League crown, the rise in Forum Fellatio Index™ would become so high that it could destroy the forum forever. It’s an inconvenient truth, but forum climate models show that 72 percent of all threads now contain at least one heat-generating hype post of Matt #3’s big ol’ fantasy dick. That hype gets trapped in the lower threads, where it combines with Mongol-carbons and other hot air to create dangerous high-pressure situations for the server. If the Fellatio Index™ were to rise to even 77 percent, that could be the event horizon of sucking that collapses the whole thing in on itself faster than Kelis’ metaphorical milkshake brings the proverbial boys to the figurative yard.

Matt #3 must be stopped, y’all.

An injury to Terrance West might just do that. West once got robbed twice in one day in the same hotel, so, like, bad stuff happens to him sometimes. To the left-hand side of West, Philly has Puff-Puff-Pass (nee Blount), now on his sixth team in 7 years. Just a hunch, but putting a pothead with an eating problem in a town filled with Wawas feels like a short-sighted decision.

There’s a chance Jamaal Williams pays off, and 180 carries is well within the realm of possibility for Wayne Gallman…

But Tyrod Taylor could break a rib, too. With only two quarterbacks on the roster, Matt #3 is putting a lot of faith in a middling QB who struggles to average 200 yards per game. His best attribute as a player is that he can at least fling it downfield, so of course Buffalo loses both its outside receivers, drafts one slot receiver and trades for another. Taylor seems to only still be in Buffalo for one of two reasons: either because the Bills fired their whole front office in the middle of the offseason and no one left knew how to dial out, or they’re tanking like a Tiananmen Square parade.

Of course, that defense. Somewhere in Hell, Buddy Ryan is looking up and toasting Matt #3’s defense with four fingers of bourbon while he emotionally abuses the demon in charge of sticking pineapples up his ass. I mean, the defense is so good that even guys averaging 13 points a week will have a hard time cracking the starting rotation. A Kawaan Short injury could dull the tip, and the cornerbacks are whatevs, and maybe it’ll get annoying for Matt #3 to choose between Carlos Dunlap and Vince Williams 16 times; but he’s also getting, like, at least 90 points a week from Collins/Smith/Wagner/Jones/Neal/Harrison.

I haven’t even mentioned J.J. Watt, yet, y’all.

If all 22 starters are healthy, Matt #3 can score about as well as any team in the league, but he doesn’t have the depth to inspire confidence in a season-long campaign. He’s somewhere in the middle of tier 2 to start, but will probably he favored in at least half his matchups in the playoffs if everything is equal. Some guys got all the luck.


ALASKA MUST BE A DEPRESSING PLACE, Y’ALL

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: NAW, SON
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: QUANTITY OVER QUALITY
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: MR. SANDMAN
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: GLASS JOE

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: BEST OF THE REST, TIER 3 ALL BY HIMSELF


All I know about Alaska is that my cousin lived there with his first wife for 8 years while he was in the Air Force, and when he rejoined civilization he immediately divorced her and has never been happier. I don’t know if that’s because of the wife or Alaska, but there’s some percentage that’s Alaska. Oh, and also that movie where no one can sleep and Robin Williams is a serial killer.

Alaska: It’ll make Mork into a serial killer.

Alaska: It begins with the same letter as arsenic.

Ghoji is one of three teams on the outside of the playoff bubble that will hope to play spoiler throughout the season. The best RB group in the conference (by a hair) is going to have a hard time carrying the second-worst WR group, especially during those QB bye weeks, but at his best Ghoji’s got that puncher’s chance against anyone.

On a bit of a side note here, is anyone else not buying the idea that we’re supposed to take Kirk Cousins seriously now? If this guy gets $100 million guaranteed next season, then the QB well is officially drier than Janet Reno’s vagina at Chippendales on Easter Sunday. No matter what, Cousins will likely be the highest paid quarterback by a wide margin next season just for having those twin Hall of Fame qualities: “good enough” and “available.” *Sigh* A regular Roger Staubach.

And what happens when Aaron Rodgers comes up for extension? At what point does every NFL team just have to set aside 25 percent of its salary cap for one player? Flacco’s contract is holding the Ravens hostage, and Cousins’ will do the same to Washington. Clearly, the only way out is to call him by the wrong name in a bizarre attempt to poison the fanbase against him so no one cares when you decline his option and sign Blake Bortles to a three-year deal in 2018. Lady and gentlemen, your business-savvy Washington Deadskins!

On defense, Ghoji has plenty of bodies, just like you can go on lots of dates if you keep swiping right. Alaska is the bizarro Philly: 13 points might be the most any of these dudes average per game. Unless two or three of these sacks can nut up, feels like Ghoji’s D is gonna pretty flaccid all season. I do like Nkemdiche. He might be one of the best athletes in the NFL, and there’s opportunity along the Arizona D-line. He once jumped out of a hotel window and fell two stories because he was high on bath salts.

Every year, we say this might be the year Dont’a Hightower plays 80 percent of the snaps in New England; and every year Bill Belichick says, “Naw, breh.” Vontaze Burfict could always tear an ACL and miss the season – or tear an ACL, inject it with HGH, get caught and miss the season – and that would be good for Nick Vigil. Decent odds there, actually.

Bottom line is, it won’t be the worst starting defense in the conference, but it will be close. Ghoji might stand a better chance if he starts three CBs and just two LBs. Could be a higher ceiling. The corners will be up and down, but with three of them there might be enough four-point defended passes for one to hit mid-20s points. It would take some hard D to slide three corners out there every week, though. Does Ghoji have the D to play his best D? Thus ends this extended D metaphor.


MAPLEDONGERS

OFFENSIVE DEPTH: YEAH, MAYBE, BUT NOT REALLY
DEFENSIVE DEPTH: SOLID
OFFENSIVE PUNCH: LIKE GLASS JOE’S POLIO-TOUCHED AUNT
DEFENSIVE PUNCH: NOT THE WORST

SEASON STRENGTH PROJECTION: PINK CONTENDER, TIER 5


The pain starts early for Mapledongers. I don’t know what DeShaun Watson is going to be, but I like his uncle. That counts for something, just not fantasy points. Throw in a former Alabama QB who’s most famous for Brent Musburger stroking it to his girlfriend on national TV, a guy expected to miss the whole season, and Tom Savage, and this projects to be the worst top-to-bottom quarterback group in the conference.

Joining that backfield, the Dongers’ most bankable runner is Danny Woodhead, a not-really-a-running-back release valve entering his age-32 season on a team with a suspect line who has no chance of playing 16 games. Mike Gillislee is third or fourth on the depth chart, which in New England means he could have 100 yards in week 1 and not top 10 carries for the rest of the season. Samaje Perine proposed to his fiancé with a magic trick, and you should never count on a man who likes magic. There are a ton of injury-based lottery tickets, but the Dongers would have to cash in more than once to make a difference.  

Keenan Allen is going to be a stud. Willie Snead, Kenny Britt and Jordan Matthews will be very good to ok, in that order. Bruce Arians gave away John Brown’s starting spot because of his sickle cell. Just a classic, kindly old football coach, there. Robert Woods is the fourth or fifth option for what should be one of the worst offenses in the country.

Hunter Henry should be very good, and Dwyane Allen, O.J. Howard and Erik Swoope should all score about the same 6 points per week. There’s your depth.

The Dongers’ D will be decent. They have a great tackle, a good end, five weekly starters at linebacker, four cornerbacks they can reasonably play, and the second-worst safeties in the conference by a comfortable distance. Four out of five ain’t bad.

I don’t know guys. I hate to pile on. Ben’s a good dude. His team has the lowest weekly ceiling of any in Rising Rookies, but a little more depth than his peers in the basement tier. He has some good pieces for the future, lots of picks and Warbucks already, and plenty of assets he can flip mid-season when the arms race begins. The Dongers may start small, but smells like puberty is just around the corner.




Last edited by Tenafly Vipers on Thu Sep 07, 2017 2:15 am; edited 3 times in total
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Tenafly Vipers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:41 am

*Note on graphics...

I couldn't figure out how to make the tier arrows bigger on the forum, no matter what pixel size I gave it. Also ran out of time for a title graphic before going out of town. I'll fix those when I get back next week.

Hope you all enjoy!


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Maplewood Doppelgangers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:47 am

Haha I love it! Great job Collin!


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Philadelphia Pigskins
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:00 pm

Awesome work!  Setting the bar high for minor league articles!

I'm hoping my defense can carry my team.  I think I should be competitive enough on offense other than RB, although Tyrod isn't inspiring confidence right now.  But like you said a lot of it will come down to my starters staying healthy!

Can't wait for the rest of the series!


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Nevada NightHawks
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:22 pm

DAMN!  When I start laughing just at the one-liners at the beginning of the article, I know it's going to be good.   bow

I'm going to have to read it a second time tonight, just to make sure I didn't miss anything.  

"We call that going full Silverbacks."  The current news reference had me busting up.

 "they’re tanking like a Tiananmen Square parade".

  There ain't now way you're young enough to remember that.  But if you want to talk about tanking, there's your image right there.   clap


"Brent Musburger stroking it to his girlfriend on national TV"

I remember watching that game and Brent gushing over her.  But the thought of him "stroking it" to her..... ROFL

Yup, definitely gotta read it again.  Great writing style!  overhead


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Alaska Arsenic
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:27 pm

Excellent Article man! Very enjoyable to read.

I loved the analysis about Roethlisberger.

Here's to stickin the D to someone as spoiler! cheers


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Manhattan Beach Patriots
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:41 pm

Great article Collin. Definitely raised the bar.


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Titletown Tyrants
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 12:48 pm

Awesome job man. Very "Mean Machine" esque. I likes the format.


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California Nightmare
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:04 pm

Thanks for the effort Colon.

Mapledildos is overrated honestly. I have him lower in my ranks. shrug


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Maplewood Doppelgangers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 2:19 pm

California Nightmare wrote:
Thanks for the effort Colon.

Mapledildos is overrated honestly. I have him lower in my ranks. shrug

Suck my ass, Greg!


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Riverside Rottweilers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:13 pm

Great article Collin. Interested to see what you have in store for your own team and the rest of Chapter 11.


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Kane County Goon Squad
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:58 pm

California Nightmare wrote:
Thanks for the effort Colon.

Mapledildos is overrated honestly. I have him lower in my ranks. shrug
Laughing Laughing Laughing


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Kane County Goon Squad
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:59 pm

Nice job on the article


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Tarpon Springs RedKnights
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:04 pm

Very nice job! enjoyed it :D


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Rocky Mountain Oysters
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:53 pm

California Nightmare wrote:
Thanks for the effort Colon.



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Oaktown Malosos
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 6:27 pm

Well done Collin!  vote yes

Love the format...quick and to the point, with a great mix of humor and fact; though you completely farked up the Taylor analysis.   wink

Look forward to more...


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Minnesota Eternals
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 7:00 pm

Loved it!!!! Very nicely done man. Let me know what you'd like for graphics and I'll get it asap. Looking forward to more of this...


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Carolina Silverbacks
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 18, 2017 8:00 pm

“We call that going full Silverbacks.”

Loved it. I’m back on my regular meds so there should be fewer hate filled, irrational posts.


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Latvia Unicorns
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Sat Aug 19, 2017 3:52 am

laughing

Great job. Didn't realize I had so many despicable human beings on my team though!


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Haddonfield Slashers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Sat Aug 19, 2017 4:15 am

Great start Collin, looking forward to more.


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Polk High Panthers
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Sat Aug 19, 2017 4:53 am

Tenafly Vipers wrote:
On defense, Ghoji has plenty of bodies, just like you can go on lots of dates if you keep swiping right.

lol3


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Carolina Werewolves
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Mon Aug 21, 2017 12:11 am

Very nice work. Really set the bar high for what we do going forward...


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Andromeda Afterglow
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:42 am

Great stuff Collin, really came out swinging at Ross so I knew right away this was gonna be good. Especially excited to read the Chapter 11 one when you have to shit all over your own team.


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Carolina Werewolves
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:50 am

I am also really looking forward to chapter 11. It is a very competitive conference.


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Philadelphia Pigskins
 
 
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PostSubject: Re: Why Your Team Gonna Lose - Chapter 10   Fri Aug 25, 2017 9:25 pm

Arsenic's lack of WR depth could already be trouble


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